The Family we never had
by J.Dax
Summary: Ratting just in case but it's pretty mild. Just a belated Christmas story. SG1 and a lodge on the outskirts of Colorado. Read the story or draw your own conclusions. Mostly Sam reminiscing about all the Christmases SG1 have spent together so far. Maybe


Disclaimer: Do I own Stargate? Hmmm, give me a minute...no, don't recall ever meeting Michael Shanks and I'd probably remember something like that. So I don't own Stagate.

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A gentle frost had glazed the rooftops of the houses that were becoming sparser to view as a warm Christmas Eve spirit enveloped the lone car traveling down the snow covered country roads of Colorado.

The white, fleece looking substance, had settled on the streets barely an hour earlier and it was perfectly undisturbed by any tracks except the ones now being regretfully imprinted on it from the driver of the vehicle.

Colonel Samantha Carter gripped the wheel of her Volvo with gloved hands and leaned forward to turn the heater up another notch. It wasn't that she hadn't become accustomed to the icicle temperatures that found their way into thermometers across the state around the visit of this particular season, it was that the extra heat seemed to relax her nervous condition and allow her to remain calm and focused.

She was on her way to the quaint country lodge that was set on the outskirts of Colorado so spend her Christmas with her team, SG-1, and General O'Neill, like they always did.

After the SGC had taken control of their lives so many years ago, it had been difficult for any of the four members of Earth's flagship unit to get down time for the holiday season. That combined with the fact that none of them really had any family or friends to spend the holidays with in the first place (Teal'c did, but Jaffa did not honor the same holiday traditions as the Taur'ri), had put them in a position to simply celebrate with each other.

The first year had been awkward because they were all still getting to know on another and they were on the active duty roster so they were stuck at the base. There was no gift exchange, but Daniel had given everyone a card before sneaking off to his office to get lost in research. Sam had gone to do much the same, but the Colonel had stopped her and made her join him in the commissary where they had rounded up four large glasses of Egg Nog and then went to O'Neill's office where he produced a bottle of whiskey that he kept in his desk and spiked each drink.

Sam smirked fondly as she remembered how they had dragged together the other two members of their team and the human portion got tipsy while Teal'c had watched on with bemusement.

Things eventually lightened up with them, and when the second year arrived they all huddled together in Sam's lab and traded gifts. O'Neill saw no need to keep alcohol handy any longer, he was trying to recover from Charlie's death, but didn't find the need to drown it or any other problems he was dealing with in booze. So they had regular drinks and split a large pecan pie that they had managed to smuggle from the commissary.

The third year was spent off world, but none of them were willing to give up on this new tradition they had created so they spent the night around a campfire roasting a fruit that tasted like cranberries and that had been supplied to them by the natives. They weren't allowed to bring gifts so they had brought cards instead and handed those around while they ate.

When they got home, Sam remembered that Jack had given her a tiny pendant with a sapphire stone in the middle, claiming that he'd been a pain in the mikta the whole year and even though it wasn't an appropriate present for a CO to give his subordinate, he hoped it would be seen as a symbol of one friend apologizing to another.

"_I know you don't wear jewelry, Carter, but if a special occasion comes where you have to get all formal, it might be nice to have" his eyes navigated her office with the specific intent to avoid noting her reaction._

"_Thank you, sir, it's lovely" were the only words her shocked mind could think to form_.

Sam remembered being utterly stunned. She had had plenty of commanding officers that had behaved wrongly in their rank and treated her with complete detachment when they made a mistake she had warned them about.

And that year had been riddled with mishaps on O'Neill's part where he had blatantly ignored her advice on certain issues. This type of attitude she expected, but certainly not an apology, and absolutely not in the form it was given.

The holidays continued in much the same pace after that. The next two years the team found themselves again at the base or off world, and they had found unconventional ways to celebrate each time. But the sixth year, in wake of Daniel's ascension and Jonas Quinn joining the team, Hammond had given them downtime and Jack had the idea to rent a place where they could all spend Christmas together.

Everyone was up for it, and somehow the Colonel had discovered the only place in all of Colorado that wasn't booked and which they could have all to themselves.

Sam grinned with the image of the moment she had first seen the lodge. It was a long drive outside of any resonate civilization, but that made the view much more incredible than it would have if it was located closer to the city.

Surrounded by four or five acres of grassy fields and the occasional clump of trees and hills, the lodge sat tucked behind a cove of farmland that was at the end of a mile long drive way. On the outside it had a wraparound porch, which had a colonial air to it and was tastefully decorated with gold and silver snowflakes hanging off the edge of the banister. There was a porch swing with a purple mat laying across the seating looking very inviting.

It was roughly a two-story establishment, nothing overt or fancy, but extremely cozy and warmly strewn with hints of the season. There was even a tree harboring themed ornaments standing in a corner by the fireplace.

The main living room was huge and peppered with different forms of furniture. It was separated from the kitchen by double doors that seemed of Italian design like the cupboards and counter tops that waited beyond them.

There were four bedrooms, running water, electricity, and the basic conveniences of the era.

Sam couldn't imagine how Jack had afforded it.

_"An old friend of mine owns the place, actually" the Colonel confessed, "He never uses it anymore. Practically gave it to me"_

_"It's cool" Jonas said cheerfully as he exited the main room to go explore the rest of the place._

_"Indeed a most beautiful display of Taur'ri architecture" Teal'c added before following the Kelownan._

_Sam stood facing her CO with a grin as they were left alone, "It's awesome, this'll be fun. Great idea, Sir"_

_"You wont be saying that when Jonas finds out there's mistletoe hanging over the kitchen doorway"_

That had turned out to be an interesting week. Especially since the Colonel had taught Jonas the mistletoe tradition just prior to when they had arrived. But the Kelownan had been friendly about it when they did inevitably end up passing under the doorway unanimously.

Truth be told, he was not a bad kisser, and boy had it made O'Neill jealous.

Sam shook these thoughts from her mind as she continued to drive.

Her and Jack had long since accepted these more than professional emotions directed towards each other, and the fact that they couldn't do anything about it. Now they were both moving on. Although she doubted breaking off her engagement was contingent of that.

Sam had gotten into a fight with her fiancé earlier that morning when he asked her to spend Christmas with him and his family.

_"You see those guys everyday, if I'm lucky I get to see you every other week" Pete complained._

_His argument was reasonable. And it wasn't as if the guys wouldn't understand, even Jack had mentioned spending this Christmas with his girlfriend Kerry, or at least bringing her along._

_"I know, but it's…you can't possibly understand." She was acting foolish. This was the man she was going to be married to and she didn't even want to use her first allotted down time in a year to spend the holidays with him and his relatives._

_"C'mon, Samantha, you never give me enough credit for handling the things in your life. Tell me what's keeping you from staying with me on Christmas" he tried in an almost diplomatic fashion._

_Well, he did deserve an explanation. She just wasn't sure how to voice it in the proper words and make him see what she felt._

_" Daniel, Teal'c, the General…they were my family when things were still rocky with Mark and I wasn't able to see my dad…we're Daniel's family because he's never had one…and the General's because he hasn't had one since his son died…even Teal'c's when he isn't able to visit his child."_

_"But now you have a family, you're part of my life and I can be there for you like they were" Pete replied._

_"Like they are" Sam corrected, "I knew you wouldn't understand. We've spent a thousand lonely Christmases apiece where there wasn't even a reason to get out of bed in the morning. And then we…I don't know what divine force clicked in the universe when we finally became a team and helped each other over those hurdles that we weren't able to conquer on our own, but I can't just trade one for the other"_

_"So you're saying it's me or them?" his voice was incredulous, and Sam thought she should've been worried to give him her next response, but she wasn't._

_"Yes, Pete. If you can't let me spend the holidays with my own family then…it won't work with us"_

Sam sighed as she found herself eventually parked outside the lodge where Jack's truck was already set and Daniel's car next to it. She stayed in her seat, still buckled; even after the engine had died away allowing the subtle melody of her surroundings delve into the silence that it once dulled.

She wondered if Kerry Johnson was in there. If Jack had really taken her along, and if she had just thrown away what could be her very last opportunity to be happy with someone.

At least she knew she'd never be lonely. Not with SG-1 around. Certainly not if Daniel or Teal'c had any control over the matter (which they did). But she'd go back to being content with her life. Not happy. Just content.

Sam thought back to the time she'd been knocked out while aboard the Prometheus and was having hallucinations. She had been right while talking to herself. She was only settling, and one of the reasons she'd focused her personal feelings on Jack O'Neill was because he was a safe bet.

But she had failed to mention to herself that she loved the man. Without condition…that they were in the same chain of command was more of an after fact…and being with anyone else was the same as settling.

Sam sighed and got out of the car, getting her bag from the back seat and entering the lodge with the same frustrating acceptance that there was nothing she could do about her feelings for her CO.

She found Daniel, Teal'c, and the General all sitting on a sofa in front of the fire with a round of Egg Nog and slices of Pecan pie while the radio played a soft selection of Christmas Carols.

Nine presents were stacked under the tree, waiting for the three she had brought with her to be added.

"You're late, Carter" Jack greeted with a smile, "That means you have to kiss Daniel under the mistletoe"

The archeologist rolled his eyes when five years ago he would've been spitting out his drink from embarrassment at this suggestion.

Sam laughed at the image it gave her as she walked to the tree and unloaded the gifts she had brought for her three favorite people, "As long as there's pie left I'm still early" she joked, standing up and moving to sit next to Teal'c on the couch.

She took a moment to glance around and see if there were any sign of an additional person being here. Particularly an additional person of the female persuasion, but she found no evidence to confirm this suspicion.

But she needed affirmation from a reliable source in order to not be caught off guard and cause an awkward situation if the woman she suspected of perhaps being here did intend to show up.

"So, General, how's Kerry?" she asked with as much nonchalance as her tumult of current feelings would offer.

"She's good…she left to spend Christmas with her parents yesterday" his tone was tinted with and underlying meaning that made Sam's pulse race involuntarily.

If she was reading him correctly (and she normally did) then his sentence held a score of discouragement.

Perhaps he had gotten into a similar discussion with his girlfriend as she had with Pete.

But where would that leave them…both happy with being content?

Sam decided to just enjoy the rest of her Christmas Eve without thinking about her tragically fated love predicament.

"There's pie in the kitchen, Sam, and fudge bars, wine, cinnamon roles, candy canes, muffins…all bought fresh from the local super market" Daniel mentioned while sipping his drink and ignoring the look Teal'c was giving him in response to the not unusual but always unexpected sarcasm.

"Store bought. Does wonders for the health…" Jack quipped.

"Indeed, I find the prepackaged food most valuable for its nutrition" Teal'c put in.

Sam grinned at the banter even as she stated her own contribution to this horrible bout of humor, "We should start a program"

"On how to gain weight, lose energy, and learn to live on MRE packs…I should quit my day job" Daniel bounced off her set up with practiced drollness.

Sam shook her head with amusement before stating "To think I almost took a home cooked meal over this"

"The company would not have been as agreeable" Teal'c declared proudly.

"Yea" Jack said, "What's better than hanging out with a sardonic linguist, a humorous Jaffa, and a sarcastic old Air force General?"

Sam stood up, "A bottle of wine, fudge bars, and a movie?"

Daniel was ready with a reply, "How could we ever compete?"

Sam shrugged, "Well, the General isn't that old. And points for saving my life on more than one occasion, but otherwise the fudge bars have it"

She headed for the kitchen while Jack stood to follow her and they arrived at the entryway to the adjoining room at the same instant. Their eyes met as both of them realized what Christmas tradition they had just stumbled upon and they glanced up at the mistletoe dangling contentedly above their heads.

Sam's mind took her back to a day about a year after the Zaytarc incident where Janet had mentioned in a very unsubtle yet breezy manner, that she'd witnessed two officers from SG-7 get caught in the same predicament and they had gone along with it to the encouragement of their teammates and other officers that were present in the commissary where a mischievous tech had hung the offending décor.

Apparently, in these exceptional situations, fraternizing with a person in the same chain of command was overlooked as merely friendly contact.

But Capt. Bailey Weber and his CO Maj. Jessica Leeim, the ones who had made this endeavor, were both married with families and had been before they'd met each other much less began working on the Stargate project. They couldn't possibly have more than professional feelings for one another, and of course General Hammond would overlook it as nothing more than incidental fun.

But now O'Neill was General. He would decide weather it'd be worth court marshaling her over. And if he did, he would have to explain that the action had been mutual, because there was no way she was risking her job unless he made the same indications.

And Sam had known him long enough to know that he'd never jeopardize her career, even if they did go through with this. And it wasn't as if Daniel and Teal'c were going to report them, they'd have way too much enjoyment from simply taunting them with it.

Sam could tell her uncertainties were similar to the ones racing in his mind now as she met his intent gaze.

"Could you two take any longer? I don't think Teal'c and I have quite reached the point of starving" Daniel broke in on the moment while pretending to want access to the kitchen, but really he was impatient to see the result of the small situation his friends had placed themselves in.

Jack spared him a commanding glare before turning back to Sam and leaning forward to place a quick kiss on her cheek before rushing into the kitchen.

The Colonel was startled by how sudden the contact had actually partaken, and she wasn't entirely happy with the outcome…in fact, she found her disappointment mirrored in his eyes as they again shared an exchange of silent words.

It was for the better, though. It always had been.

Sam grabbed a miscellaneous food item along with a hardy glass of wine and headed back to the living room where Christmas music was still playing.

She had to stop herself from wondering what she had given up that morning and why; the family, the house, the reliable husband…and not for the fate of the universe…not to save Earth from pending disaster…not for her career…

For unattainable happiness…for a man who she loved and would only ever have, those miniscule, shared moments with like the one that had transpired under the mistletoe…for a life she was content with.

It was the same both ways.

Either she'd be content and have a husband, or she'd be content and have unrequited love.

Jack and the remaining men of SG-1 returned with arms full of food that would've had any physician physically sick at just the site of it.

Jack set his pile down and sat next to her, holding up a plate that had a serving of pecan pie and two forks so they could share even though it was far from being the last piece in the tin pan that held the larger portion of the desert.

He usually did the food-sharing thing when he was trying to find a way to tell her something personal without using words, which would inevitably end them up in a heap of trouble anyway.

She smiled knowledgeably to reassure him the message was received and she understood the implications of his actions.

He nodded and returned the smile with exceeding fulfillment.

For now…forever…for some reason…she'd take the unrequited love.


End file.
